Tue 13 Sep 2011
What’s Your Flavor?
Posted by Ten under Kink Community
[12] Comments
You know it’s happened to you too. That friend, the one who isn’t a member of our collective kinky scene, but doesn’t judge you for participating asks you a question about something and through the course of it you use the v-word. And then they get a bit up in arms about it. But you can’t understand why. It’s not like it’s a bad word. It’s innocent. It’s just what we call them. The veritable “muggles” of the kink world. And we still love them. Even though they’re
vanilla.
I’ve made a concerted effort to no longer use this word to describe those not affiliated with the kink community.
Not just because it’s offensive to indicate that people are boring if they don’t like like to get strung up on a tree branch with fishing wire and poked in various orifices with chopsticks while being beat with a turkey leg. Not just because it’s judgmental to insinuate that someone is bland simply because they don’t have the means or desire to go to kinky conventions or invent a “naughty wife” role play to spank her on your honeymoon. But also because I believe the idea the word “vanilla” connotates doesn’t even EXIST.
I believe that there’s a spectrum to being kinky.
Let me tell you a little story about what happened to me at Dark Odyssey’s Fusion event
You see, I’m a spanko first and foremost. My fetish as long as I can remember was spanking… Over-the-knee, Domestic Discipline, Big/little roleplay– I love it all.
But I have other interests as well. Although they are probably not as pronounced fetishes, these things get me hot too: Bondage, other types of impact play, takedown scenes, sensation toys– and just plain being naked. I’m not a “spanking purist” and I enjoy much of the variety that the sharper side of pleasure can produce.
So imagine my surprise when, ironically, the only thing I really felt like doing at this all encompassing BDSM event was get spanked. Oh, and walk around naked. Maybe have an orgasm or two. As far as BDSM goes, however, I didn’t want to be taken into the depths of myself, transcending thresholds of pain until I was I was a human puddle of bruised flesh–only to come out of the other side feeling purified with a sense of catharsis and a renewed sense of strength and spirit.
Nope.
Honestly, I arrived and…
I just wanted my butt whacked.
So apparently I wasn’t all that kinky during this event. You see, spanking isn’t really all that kinky anymore. Let me explain.
There was an event called the “Wheel of Destiny” which can be summarized as kinky Wheel of Fortune. There were all kinds of ridiculous things on there, some kinky some not. Anal, punching, grappling, making out, electricity, piercing, cake (yes, a slice of cake), a hug, and a something my devious friend Graydancer called “Tar & Feathering” (where the tar was actually maple syrup) were among the list but I noticed that “spanking” wasn’t there.
When I asked about why my favorite fetish wasn’t present I was told the following:
“Oh, spanking isn’t really all that kinky. It’s like… the gateway fetish”.
That stuck with me. It made me think about my the “spanking purists” I encountered. Were they not really all that kinky as well? Well, they get together in hotels and convention centers and slap each other’s butts so they’re a little kinky.
We’ve come up with cutesy little names for people that are only a little kink– names like “chocolate chip” or my personal favorite “neopolitan”. Fact is (stay with me on the ice cream analogy here) we’re all some sort of flavor. And I’m no “rocky road”, myself. However I wouldn’t want anyone to determine my flavor for me. Especially if it was something as bland as… vanilla. Some people might feel they, themselves are vanilla but who are WE to determine that?
Now, I’m not saying we need to have a contest or anything, but there are definitely people who are kinkier than others. Which is why I think there’s a spectrum to kink. And why I think very few people on the planet are SOOOO non-kinky that they embody the “complete vanilla” end of the spectrum.
So I’m thinking we need to come up with a different word to describe those that aren’t members of the kink scene. And “muggles” is already taken. Suggestions?
Hmmm. I have identified myself as a spanko purist, so perhaps I’m vanilla with a chocolate swirl. With a few nuts thrown in, because, well, that’s obvious.
Just call me Whacky Smacky.
To your point, won’t any word be offensive? It serves to group all people who don’t meet your particular kink threshold in one big bucket. What’s a good word for ‘someone who doesn’t behave like me’? Inferior, perhaps? Or maybe just ‘everyone else’.
@Erica I’m definitely quite nutty myself
@mwtb not necessarily. I’ve just been saying “non-members of the kink scene”. That doesn’t sound inferior or judgemental
But that’s a mouthful.
It seems your WP-SpamFree plugin doesn’t like my comment. I suspect it’s because the words “s e x u a l”, “B D S M” and “f e t i s h” trigger some of it’s blocking rules.
I sent you my comment via fet message. Love to hear what you think.
I think the same people who get bent out of shape about the term “vanilla” are the same people who changed “taxes” to “revenue enhancers”, “merry Christmas” to happy holidays”, “garbage men” to “sanitation engineers”, and every other piece of “politically correct” bull shit out there. As far as I’m concerned call it what it is until notified or learned otherwise…
Great post!
Arguably, since one of the problems you describe is one group of people coming up with a category for another group which that group wouldn’t have chosen, should we not leave it to the non-kinksters to choose their own name?
On the other hand this situation seems more to me less like “white”/”non-white” (where the latter have been called many things but many of them now prefer to be called People of Colour). In that instance the latter category has historically been oppressed by the former and had less privilege, and the former has been treated by the dominant social group as the default.
So although discrimination against kink doesn’t really compare with racism in many ways, in the case of kinky/non-kinky, it would seem to me that kinky is closer to POC (less privilege) and non-kinky is closer to white (more privilege/seen as the default). In which case it is up to the minority group to choose their own name (which we have – kinky or fetishists or BDSMers depending on who you ask) and the group seen as the default has already had more privilege, so there’s no need for them to claim or re-claim a group identity.
It’s like trans/cis – cis was named by trans activists in order to highlight that it shouldn’t be the default, but one category among others. I’d argue that “vanilla” is more like “cis” than “non-white”, if you see what I mean? In other words, non-kinksters don’t get to complain about what we call them because historically they’ve been perceived as default/normal and had more privilege.
On the other hand, I absolutely agree with you that kinky is a spectrum (or a constellation!) and that it’s a bit judgemental to presume anyone’s sexual preferences from appearances – and most people have imaginative sexual tastes which don’t fit a strict definition of “vanilla”.
I don’t really have a clever conclusion, just throwing some thoughts out there. Interesting topic though. Identity politics is fascinating!
Possibly a more straightforward answer to your question…..they should be “Smooth”.
We are quite clearly “Rough”.
I suppose “non-adventurous” is too big a mouthful, and “boring” is probably just plain mean. How about calling the non-fetish group the “Inhibited”? Of is that too mean as well?
I have been known to refer to non-kinky heterosexual men as breast fetishists before. Mostly to point out that we’re all somewhere on that spectrum of yours.
Oh FFS. I identify as vanilla because it’s the label that works for me in the kinky community. It’s a descriptive term that succinctly explains how I fit into that group. What am I supposed to do, have a long discussion with each person about exactly how every single last kink doesn’t really do it for me?
Next you’ll be explaining that the straight people at kink events shouldn’t be called that because everyone is somewhere on the bisexual continuum, and monogamous people are somewhere on the number of partners continuum. Whatever. Just pick the label that best fits you and run with it.
Remember, you define the labels, the labels don’t define you.
Just happened upon this post and it really struck a chord. I was having an argument with my partner yesterday and let the v. word slip out – and it caused a lot of upset. You’re right, us calling them vanilla is like Potter and his wizardy mates calling regular people muggles. It must come over as so arrogant.
Quite like the idea of ‘smooth’ as an opposite to ‘kinky’.